Back into the lion’s den…

It’s been a lovely three weeks off on vacation from work.  Unfortunately, tomorrow it’s back to work!  Not looking forward to it.  I work in a very high-paced, stressful environment.  I can stand the stress and the high-pace.  What I do not look forward to is the continuing attempts from back-stabbing people that try to elevate or justify their positions when they have no business being in the positions they are in.  I made a commitment to myself while I was off for those three weeks that 2011 is going to be my year, so for those that are not in my best interests, then they need to move aside before I steamroll over them.  It is my year to be successful, I am focused and determined.

Christmas is gone…

Today was spent storing away all the precious ornaments and other decorations that are lugged out each year to adorn the house.  Why is it that after you pack away Christmas, the house looks rather barren?   It didn’t look that way before I put Christmas out on display.  It is the lack of Christmas wonder?  For a brief period every year when all the decorations and pretty flashing lights come out, we see the world once again as we did as children.  Maybe that’s why the house looks so bland after its all put away.  We no longer see the world like children anymore and are plunged back to reality.  Oh, what a reality it is.  Looking forward to the last few days of 2010 so that I can pack them away somewhere never to be found again and bring out a bright, shiny and new year.

Homage to My Grandmother

My grandmother, Helen Joyce Breazeale, nee Glover, departed from us May 7, 2010.  She was 88 years old.  I deeply regret not being able to spend as much time with her in the past few years.  She was admitted to a nursing home a few years ago because her being as she was, was not taking her medicine like she should have and needed to helped on a more routine basis.  It’s taken me a while to write this.  I first started a draft of this blog posting on May 9, 2010 and now today is December 29, 2010.

My grandmother was a unique individual.  She was a single parent of two girls in an era that it was not appropriate to be a single parent.  But she always had a life full of a lot of responsibility.  Being one of the oldest in a family with 8 children, she often times had to take care of her younger siblings.  She learned early on by taking care of a large family, to cook for a large family.  I remember quite frequently her cooking dinner for our much smaller family, but there were always plenty of leftovers.  Not that we minded.  Especially when it was one of her specialties.  The main thing I will miss from her cooking is her chicken and dumplings.  I have tried, and failed, on my occasions to duplicate her chicken and dumplings.  I came close a few months ago.  It tasted close to hers, although I know there’s probably some top secret ingredient I was missing because she would never give you the entire recipe.

My grandmother’s personality will be missed the most.  Of all my family members, I believe that I favor her the most.  A rather wicked sense of humor, she and I often found the same things funny, things that most people would not laugh at.  Along with that wicked sense of humor came a wicked laugh.  My husband has told me that it sounds like a wicked witch laugh, which makes me laugh even more.  If you can’t laugh at yourself or other people and the silly things they do, what can you laugh at?

Granny had a hard life.  She had a crippling case of juvenile arthritis when she was young, so severe that she had to drop out of school.  But she persevered and managed to get through it and lead an active life, even though arthritis gave her problems her entire life.  She had both hips replaced and her hands operated on as a result of the arthritis.  My hands tend to ache really bad when its cold, and when they do, it reminds me of the pain my grandmother went through.

As part of my grandmother’s final wishes, our family is planning on distributing her ashes from “the highest point in Daisetta”.   Daisetta, Texas is where she grew up.  I’m not sure if its that wicked sense of humor again because Daisetta is about as flat as a plain, so unless we find a mole hill to stand on, those ashes are just going to get spread in a high wind!

I love you granny!

Where Have I Been?

It’s been 7 months since my last blog post; however, although the title of this post is “Where have I been?” seems to refer to my absence, it actually eludes to something much greater.   The phrase “where have I been” refers to a sense of loss of myself.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person that has lived through the past year.

The past year has been really hard on a psychological and emotional level.  A lot of upheaval has occurred.  Substantial changes on the professional front, definitely not for the good, with no improvement visible on the horizon. I find it increasingly difficult to work in a hostile work environment filled with a bunch of self-serving, sexist, backstabbers that do not know any better.  Ha ha….that sounded rather bitter, didn’t it?  What’s amazing is that people are so clueless to think that just because I take a few weeks off for vacation that they believe that my colleagues and co-workers do not call and talk to me while I’m off from work and let me know about the conniving that goes on behind my back.   They just need to remember that karma is a bitch and she is coming back to work!

Additionally, my grandmother passed away this year.  My grandmother was a unique individual and if I were to pick a relative who I felt I best personify that person’s personality, it would be my grandmother.  Always wanting to take care of folks, an evil sense of humor (and I mean that in a nice way) and a wicked laugh.   Her death is still resonating, as per her wishes, her ashes were supposed to be spread.  It’s now December and that has not happened yet.  The reasons for this have caused a bit of controversy in our family.  In fact the last time I logged into this blog was shortly after her death, so its been 7 months since she died and we have yet to honor her last wishes.  You know what they say….you can pick your friends, but not your family.  Hopefully this will be resolved soon.  I reached out to complete strangers to determine if they were related to my grandmother just so that we can find a place to distribute her ashes.   With all the genealogy research I have done, it still amazes me how small the world is and how we are all connected in some fashion.

Last week after some long thoughtful moments, I made some decisions.  They were made before Christmas so they can’t be considered New Year’s resolutions to be broken.   I’m tired of looking at that stranger in the mirror and in 2011, I have made it my priority to find the individual that I know I am and set things into motion to ensure my happiness and prosperity, not only for myself personally, but my family as well.   Look out 2011!   Here I come with a full head of steam!

Sundays Suck!

I know Sunday is supposed to traditionally be the day of rest, but let’s be honest! It’s a day of stress!  First, I only get 2 days off from work each week.  On Saturdays, I don’t want to do anything remotely work related, and that includes housework.  After a long stressful week at work, I want Saturday to be a day of fun and relaxation.  But along comes Sunday, and I realize that everything that needed to get done this Sunday, I should have done on Saturday.  In addition to doing chores on Sunday, the stress from the thought of returning to work on Monday starts to build.  I start having thoughts of calling in sick on Monday, I begin to regret the things I didn’t get done, I start looking forward to next Friday and counting down the days…rinse and repeat, the cycle starts over each week!

My Bucket List

I recently saw the movie “The Bucket List” and thought “what a good idea”.  

I am a to-do list person.  I feel they help me remember what I need to get done.  Although on a daily basis, I usually have too much on that list.

But to have a life to do list, those things that I want to do before I die, I think that is an excellent idea and I am going to create one.  It will help me recall all those things that I dreamed of as a young girl that I wanted to do.

1. Relearn to play the flute
2. Earn my masters degree
3. Plant a vegetable and herb garden
4. Stand inside the Coliseum in Rome
5. Write a book
6. Ride a gondola in Venice
7. Perform with a band
8. Own a house in the country
9. Raise horses
10. Attend a bullfight in Spain
11. Retrace my family tree to Ireland
12. Have a dream come true
13. Drive a motorcycle
14. Learn to speak Italian
15. Take a cake decorating class
16. ….

This is forever a list in progress as I come up with more things that I want to do before I depart from this world.

When you look back 50 years from now…

“When you look back 50 years from now, don’t you want to say you had the guts to…..”.  You complete the sentence. 

The quote is from a popular movie.  An action movie, actually.  It’s not important which movie.  The quote is about regrets.  About having no regrets.  When you look back 50 years from now, don’t you want to say you had the courage to follow through, the guts to say how you feel, the moxie to stand up for yourself, the determination to be happy?

I had a friend last week tell me that they didn’t know I was so self-conscious.  This individual told me that they thought there wasn’t anything I wasn’t confident about, that I must I must hide it really well. Well….welcome to my big secret.

There are things that I am self-conscious about.  I always approach every decision I make with a “do I do this” or “do I not do this”.  I do not like to regret a decision.  I do consider myself a confident person though.  I push through that self-consciousness like a bull in a china shop.  On about 98% of things.  Maybe that’s where everyone gets the idea that I am confident.  But there are some things that I keep hidden.  The 2% left over.  Things that if I made a decision to go forward with, they would change the course of my life.  Maybe in a good way, maybe in a bad way.   Maybe it’s the uncertainty of things that I am self-conscious about.  Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t want to listen to anyone question my decisions or listen to their criticisms.  I believe that every decision has a ripple effect.  That one decision can change the outcome of other things.  No one knows what the hidden 2% is, not even those closest to me.  They would probably be shocked otherwise.  Don’t worry….I don’t harbor secret desires of bringing harm to myself or others or committing a crime.  I am not an unhappy person, but I would classify myself as a dissastisfied person on some days.

When I look back in 50 years, I know there will be things I regret.  When you’re young you have so many grand ideas of how you want your life to turn out.  But does life ever turn out that way?  What happens to the spirit behind those grand ideas as one gets older?  There are so many things that I want to do.  I hope within the next 50 years, I get them done.  But I’m behind on my grand plan as it is….. I hope that if there are things I regret, that they are just individual items, and I don’t regret my life as a whole. 

Maybe the problem is I’m an over-achiever.  I admit I always have too much on my daily to-do list.  Then I beat myself up because I can’t get them done.  What about my life to-do list?  I think that will be a topic of my next post. 

I do have the guts to stand by the decisions the I have made thus far.  Do I have the guts to go through with that 2%? Oh, if that friend only knew! 

New Year’s Resolution

I detest New Year’s resolutions.  Why?   Because I usually make one that’s really imporatant like reduce financial debt, lose weight, get organized…but what happens?   I have good intentions for the first month of the year, and then life catches up and I throw the resolution to the wayside.  But doesn’t everyone else?

So to keep up the tradition, I am making a New Year’s resolution, But one that I have never made before, so let’s keep our fingers crossed to see if I keep it.   I just created this blog a few months ago and have only posted a few very opinionated, political pieces that I felt I needed to get off my chest. 

But now I resolve to make this blog a daily habit, or at least 5 days a week.  After all, I get a weekend off from work, so 2 days off from blogging should not be a hassle.  But why the impulse to blog more?  Because lately, I feel like I have alot I need to get off my chest but noone to talk to.  That may not necessarily be true.  But I don’t want to talk to someone who may talk back to me.  I want to be entitled to my opinions without anyone but me saying I’m insane or laughing at me or telling me “get over it”.  In other words, I feel the need to vent alot more, but I also want to document my venting.  So I guess I prefer to keep an on-line journal of sorts.  The days of handwritting in a diary or a journal or over and quite frankly I prefer to type than write these days anyway.

But why do I call this blog “Diary of an Insane Texas Woman”?  Because, almost every day I tell myself “I must be insane”.   Each day I wake up and face things that I would rather not face, but do them anyway, which is a kind of insanity.  I also refuse to face other things that I should, which is not only insane, but just plain stupid.  So maybe I should call this blog “Diary of an Insane, Stupid, Texas Woman”.   As far as the “Texas Woman” portion of the title, well, I’m born and raised in Texas and am a woman.  So if you have a preconceived notion of a Texas Woman, i.e. image flashes of former Texas Governor Ann Richards, with the big boisterous personalities, big hair, jewelry, then you’ve hit the nail on the head.  That’s exactly the way we are.

Also I think in my daily posts, I will post some saying I heard that day that I think touches a cord in my insane life, sort of a “hitting too close to home” statement, just so I can vent some more about it.

Obama – The Messiah?

In a single word — PUH-LEASE!!!!

I can see right now that the line between separation of church and state has definitely been erased since the election of Barack Obama as our nation’s next president. Since when is the Presidential Office the goal of God’s mission? I have to think that the non-Christians are disliking the notion coming from Christian camps that there was some divine plan in Barack Obama becoming our next President. Quite frankly I dislike anything that closely links religion and politics in this country.

Alot of people believe that Barack Obama, with the success as winning the election, is on a mission from God. A McCain ad went so far as to poke fun at him and dub him “The One”. This only eggs on those that believe this.

I realize that during times of crisis, such as the economic crisis we are experiencing right now and alot of a soldiers on foreign soils dying, that people look towards their religion to strengthen their faith and find something to hang on to help them through a crisis.

But why o’ why are people pinning all their hopes on Barack Obama like he’s the second coming of Christ? They expect that he will save us from all our problems. First off, Christ, didn’t resurrect in order to save us, but more likely to free us from our sins so that we could save ourselves. Barack Obama’s plans will not allow us to save ourselves. His proposals advocate a socialist political system with the public relying heavily on governmental aid and support. We need less government in this country, not more. How is spending more taxes on programs to bail out people and make them dependent on that aid supposed to stimulate the economy.

I find it a bit scary with Obama being referred to as a Messiah or on a mission from God. Countries ruled through religious zealotry and individuals that justify their actions claiming that there are being directed by God often fall to ruin. Generally because “The Messiah”s show their true colors, the people realize their misplaced faith and their devotion to false Gods and then turn on their leaders.

It’s also scary to think that the man that so many have put their faith in stating he is on a mission from God will be the President of our country on December 21, 2012 when the world will come to end. Is this timing too much of a coincidence or all the chips falling into place for the apocalypse?

Can’t we just refer to him as what he is? A man, plain and simple. Giving him any stature higher than that will cause the millions of people that elected him to be severly disappointed. He’s not the Messiah, he’s not on a mission from God. He’s the President of the United States. He’s the CEO of the country. He gets paid to do a job. If he does his job well, he will get re-elected. If he does not, then this country will find a replacement for him. Plain and simple.

The Price of Groceries

What is up with the price of groceries?

This summer we saw recording breaking prices at the gas pump. So it was understandable that the prices of groceries went up because it cost food buyers, farmers and all the related food vendors more to get products to the stores for consumers to buy them. But that should have only been while fuel costs were high.

Gas prices in the last 2 months are lower than they have ever been in probably 2 years. So why haven’t food prices dropped? I had to go to the grocery store to pick up just a few items that we had run out of. Now it was not a full blown shopping trip, as I had just gone to the store several days ago. I carried out 10 bags, and spent $100. That’s ridiculous. So much for just a quick run to the store. More like the store made a quick trip to my bank account.

What is taking so long for the grocery stores to drop their prices? I am envisioning in the near future that food manufacturers are going to report record profits, since fuel costs have gone down, their profit margin should increase. Just like the fuel industry companies, every summer as we complain about rising gas prices, the fuel companies state that it’s because costs have increased, and then sometime after summer, they report record making profits! I guess grocery stores are learning from the oil & gas industry.

Until we start seeing grocery prices drop, we are not going to see the economic benefit in our pocketbooks from the drop in oil prices, because basically food prices just replace those extra costs.

If oil prices have dropped, it’s time for our other expenses to drop!